Does Sexuality cause Mental Illness?
*Trigger Warning Explicit Content
My first purge happened when I was alone in the house. With haste, I stuck my fingers down my throat, viciously poking until I gagged and gagged and then saw food in the toilet bowl. I was numb afterwards, silent. I couldn’t move. Nothing ran through my brain, nothing haunted me or yelled abuse at me. I had turned into a robot within the space of a few minutes. No emotion, no thoughts, and why?
Because I couldn't accept that I was in love with a girl
What is normal?
In today's society, being gay is accepted, loved and celebrated with open arms, cheers and a whole load of Britney Spears. It's not just being gay, but trans, queer, asexual, pansexual, bisexual and all the other colours of the rainbow. Going against the 'norm', but seriously, what is normal anyway? There is no definitive answer anymore. Instead, it's whatever you want it to be.
However, when I first perceived myself to be a lesbian, I didn't believe I was normal. I was flooded with guilt and shame because in my head I had already created this life for myself and in no way shape or form did it include me sharing a bed with another female. Does anyone else feel the same way?
How did I deal with this insecurity?
I found it extremely difficult to understand what I truly wanted and I couldn't trust the thoughts that were going through my head, the emotion I felt or the actions I wanted to take. I was also petrified of being judged by society and more so by my family. With the constant torment and self-abuse going on in my head, the only way I could cope was to harm myself. At first, it worked as a distraction, to quieten the noise in my head for a bit. But soon, the noise got too loud and I couldn't drown it out anymore. I thought it was my fault, so I punished myself by self-harming. (Understand why people Self Harm here) I didn't like myself one bit and I just wanted to disappear.
Here is the truth that I and possibly YOU need to hear:
It is not sexuality that creates mental illness!
I know from years of therapy that sexuality does not cause ill mental health. There is always a much more detailed answer as to why your mental health is the way it is. Be it, genetics, early childhood, upbringing or distressful events that you have experienced. Maybe it is all of that put together?
Why do I love being gay?
My sexuality is actually one of my favourite things about me because I now live in peace with who I am and what I want in terms of love. I have the most beautiful, trustworthy and reliable fiancee, who shares the same values as me, wants the same life as me and who gets my humour and lets me be weird whenever I want.
Sure, being gay, coming out and learning how to feel comfortable in my own skin was difficult at first. But thankfully, we live in a society where I can feel comfortable about holding my fiancee's hand as we walk down the street. I can kiss her in public and not care that others can see me.
I've learned that if a person chooses to judge me, then that is their problem and they will be the ones who have to deal with the negative thoughts and emotions
I can just skip along, swinging hand in hand with the girl I love.